Funnies

[Helmet Head]

Got bored in work but couldn't think of anything interesting to write so I just stuck some daft e-mails I'v received lately that may or may not make you titter :D

Always Keep Your Condoms In Your Car

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend ? She was a dream !
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty
years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regulrarly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view
of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock
as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.


This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval
ship
and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:


CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.


Just some Peter Kay questions

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ar*e?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?
6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullsh*t?
7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp that no one would eat?
11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?
13. What do people in China call their good plates?
14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch to ask where the bathroom is?
16. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both fours? They're both dogs!
17. What do you call male ballerinas?
18. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?
20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere but call it a haemorrhoid when its in your a*se?
27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

:D :D

[ August 01, 2003, 06:49 AM: Message edited by: Helmet Head ]

[The Mad American]

Along those lines....ever wonder were the people who send this kind of stuff to you n email get it?

A few Zen thoughts for those who take life too seriously:

1. Save the Whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day with no sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your wife. It’ll be a great change.

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it.

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand….

23. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

33. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

34. Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

[Helmet Head]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any
skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty.

She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and
relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion
at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Lady Louise]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
:D :D

[Llamedos]

LMAO...

Keep them coming.

[Helmet Head]

I should be working but instead I'm now on a search now for as many jokes as I can find

[ August 21, 2003, 07:00 AM: Message edited by: Helmet Head ]

[DC 1]

2 Irishmen were on a plane to New York, when The pilot come's over the tannoy and says, " Lady's and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking"

" Those of you on the right side of the plane will have noticed we have lost number 4 engine, but please don't worry, we still have 3 perfectly good engines, and they will get us to NY safely but we will be about 30 minutes late"

About 30 minutes later, the Pilot comes on again and says, Lady's and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking"

"Those of you on the Left side of the plane will have noticed we have lost number 3 engine, but please don't worry, we still have 2 perfectly good engines, and they will get us to NY safely but we will be about 1hr30 minutes late"

About 30 minutes later, the Pilot comes on again and says, Lady's and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking"

" Those of you on the right side of the plane will have noticed we have lost number 2 engine, but please don't worry, we still have 1 perfectly good engine, and it will get us to NY safely but we will be about 2hrs45 minutes late minutes late"

Paddy turns to Shamus and says, " bugger me, if we lose this last engine we'll be stuck up here all bloody day"

[Helmet Head]

I've had to remember this one of the top of my head so I hope it's not to terrible.


Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are out camping for the night and during there slumber Holmes awakens Watson and asks him a question
"My dear chap I have been staring at the stars these last few moments and have been pondering something that I would like your thoughts on"
"Fire away" says Watson
"Well I was wondering if you could deduce anything just by merely gazing upon the stars tonight?" says Holmes
"Well firstly I can tell you exactly what time it simply by checking the orientation of the stars" says Watson
"Indeed but is there anything else?" says Holmes
"Well of course there is you can see that the universe is a huge thing, an ever expanding infinite place of possibilities where surely we are not the only intelligent form of life" says Watson
"That to but is there anything else?"
"Yes one final thing I know that GOD is truly great and generous to have created the stars planets and galaxies and that we should give praise to his greatness for all the wondrous and beautiful things he has created" says Watson
"Yes that as well my dear Watson but is there nothing more you can deduce by simply looking at the stars?" says Holmes
"My dear fellow you have me at a loss what is it that you have deduced and my feeble observational skills have missed?" says Watson

Holmes drew a long breath then calmly answered "My dear Watson somebody's nicked the tent"

[The Caller of the Black]

A man walks into a pub with a frog stuck to his head and the barman asks "How did that happen?"
The frog replies "Well it started off as a boil on my ar%#."

[Lady Rissa]

Very funny jokes, don't think I can match it, but I do have some jokes a friend sent me. Yes , they are blond jokes, but then so is my friend. smile.gif

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde....
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde that...
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put:"Hooked On Phonics."

She was Soooooooooooooo Blonde that...
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it
said,"Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde....
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," so
she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for
"This Goes In Front " She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde....
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde that...
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put:"Hooked On Phonics."

She was Soooooooooooooo Blonde that...
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it
said,"Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde....
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," so she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for
"This Goes In Front "

[ August 21, 2003, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: Lady Rissa ]

[The Caller of the Black]

In reply to the Sherlock Holmes joke posted before by HH, here's one of mine.

Holmes and Watson are at home at 221B Baker St when Holmes turns to Watson and says "I say Watson, do you fancy a bit of how's your father."

Waston replies "OK old man", drops his trousers and bends over the sideboard whilst Holmes goes into the kitchen.

Holmes returns from the kitchen and walks upto Watson with a botttle of Jif in his hand.
Watson sees this and asks "I say my dear Holmes, what going on?"

"Lemon entry my dear Watson, lemon entry". ;)

[The Caller of the Black]

An Englishman is on holiday in the Far East and after spending his first day walking round the village and taking in the sights he returns to his hotel and asks the manager, "Why do all the women walk ten paces behind the men?"

The hotel manager replies "In my country, it is a mark of respect that a woman walks ten paces behind her husband".

"OK" says the Englishman and goes upto his room.

The next day the Englishman visits the local market and bumps into his hotel manager. The Englishman says to him "I see today that the women are walking ten paces in front of the men. Is that due to Women's Lib?"

"No" replies the hotel manager, "landmines."

[The Caller of the Black]

German Motoring Terms

An oldie but goldie. Though this might be useful for any Lumlians who may be visiting Germany and wish to hire a car.

Indicators = Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Hood = Die Pullnob und knucklechopper
Exhaust = Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Clutch = Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken
Puncture = Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
Learner = Die twatte mit ellplatz
Estate Car = Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto
Parking Meter = Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer
Windshield Wiper = Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder
Parking Brake = Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick
Gear Shifter = Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen
Rear View Mirror = Der Yokhunter Tucklosen
Seat Belt = Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights = Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad
Fog Warning = Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit
Motor Vehicle Code Book = Der Wipenfurarsen
Traffic jam = Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast
Backfire = Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
Juggernaut = Der Fukkengrett Trucken
Accident = Der Bledinmess
Garage = Der heiway Robberung
Cyclist = Der pedallpushinink Pillocken Skid Der Banannan Waltzen
Double White Lines = Overtaken und Krunchen
Near Accident = Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen

[DC 1]

A lady walks into a Furniture Store. She browses around, then spots the perfect leather sofa and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, sure enough, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely leather sofa?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh*t yourself when you hear the price."

[DC 1]

And Again...

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbour suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbour suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

[DC 1]

Last One....

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,


"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a Ph..K."

[The Caller of the Black]

Presenting Mr Black's Chinese course - Lesson 1.

Ai Bang Mai Ne--I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat-----You need a face lift

Dum Gai---------A stupid person

Gun Pao Der-----An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung---Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding--We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive

Jan Ne Ka Sun----A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia----------Approach me

Lao Ze Sho-------Gilligan's Island

Lao Zi------------Not very good

Lin Ching---------An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding-----A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai----------A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be-----A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne------A small horse

Ten Ding Ba-------Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung------A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan-----Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah------Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim--------Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting---There is no reason to raise your voice

[Helmet Head]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."
The woman said, "That's okay", and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM! she's the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
"The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world.
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers: This is the end of the email for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Attention Male readers: Please scroll down.















...So the woman wished for a mild heart attack - well the man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb when they think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!


PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!

[Sophie]

that's actually quite clever!

[Helmet Head]

This is technically not a funny but just plain suicide..anyway here's how to make skittles vodka,



1. Get a bottle of quality vodka (40% or above) as if its below that it will freeze when you put it in the freezer.
2. Get a packet of fruit skittles - big bag if you have a 75 / 1litre bottle of vodka
3. Take out all the green skittles and either eat them or feed them to a dog or child and watch them go hyper on the E numbers.
4. Empty a bit of vodka out to make room for the skittles (and this means you can "taste test" the vodka prior to anyone else - just to make sure its ok! ;)
5. Add the skittles into the vodka, give it a good shake and leave for 2/3 days, shaking occasionally.
6. The colour from the skittles will go into the vodka, the skittles will stay in the bottom in a big sugary lump and there will be this white foam forming on the top - This is all normal and adds to the freaky nature of the drink! after the 2/3 days give it another shake, pop it in the freezer overnight & serve with a bit of lemonade and watch people go La La!

Have a good party!

[John & Paul]

Excellent Joke grin.gif ...but how can you still be talking about drink after Sunday morning lolol

[Silver]

Or you could feed the green ones to Tops and watch him go hyper, then feed him the vodka and see what happens!

[Dave Black]

You forget two famous Chinese men

Po Kem Yung . . . . . .The infamous paedophile

Hung Lo . . . . . . .The famous pornstar

[nightshade]

Originally posted by The Helm:
This is technically not a funny but just plain suicide..anyway here's how to make skittles vodka, I must ask, what really happens? I happen to like vodka and skittles, only separately and am very curious.

Not to mention gots a housewarming party to prepare for soon and wouldn't mind having something interesting for my guests to enjoy. (shyst, talking about the party before even moving first, i'm nutz)

[Helmet Head]

The sugar and all the coulorings off the skittles kind of ferment a little and make the vodka that bit more potent plus making it more of a stimulent and kinda makes you a bit hyper.

I'm told it's lots of fun but not tried it myself yet so cant say for certain, going to be finding out at my girlfriends birthday bas just how potent it is........will report back with findings

[ October 03, 2005, 02:36 AM: Message edited by: The Helm ]

[Chris Banks]

God. This thread is over 3 years old, but I was flipping thru and thought this might amuse 1 or 2...

Read the whole thing. This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter

(This is the State's Letter!)

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS :eek:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘Bow to Leper Messiah’
Lord Wazzuck the Feckless of Taunton

[John & Paul]

I laughed out loud at that letter :D Cheered me up no end !!!

[Chris Banks]

Oh well, might as well have this one as well!! :D
__________________________________________________ _______________

I will be adopting a number of these practices for the rest of the week.

Office Dares.
(Things to try, to keep you entertained during office hours. Accumulate as many points as possible)

ONE POINT DARES

1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears
and grimace.

3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

5. While riding In a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors
open.

6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and
pretend it wasn't you.

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected
sigh.

10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.


THREE POINT DARES

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with
double-barrelled fingers.

2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
nozzle.

3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got
over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "goddammit,
it's happened again!". Then do it again.

7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle".
Then wink and pout.

8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any
p*rnography web sites.

FIVE POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
number two".

6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent.
As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my
witness, I'll never go hungry again!"

9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do
you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash
each biscuit with your fist.

11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the
door.

12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

13. Ask people what gender they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘Bow to Leper Messiah’
Lord Wazzuck the Feckless of Taunton

[John & Paul]

Now that does sound like The Office lol

[Chris Banks]

As it's the weekend, here's something to ponder over........ :D
__________________________________________________ _____________

This is for all you who are getting older!

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies,
"Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says,
"Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.."
The old rooster says,
"I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance! :D :D
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘Bow to Leper Messiah’
Lord Wazzuck the Feckless of Taunton

[sdkdmd]

.....and these are for those that are not.

An old man can see backward better than a young one can see forward.

He who does not honor age does not deserve age.

An old man can be outrun but not outcounseled.

If you wish good advice, consult an old man.

If youth but had the knowledge and old age the strength.

[Helmet Head]

One night mummy balloon and daddy balloon are asleep in bed when they're

woken up by baby ballon coming into their room, baby balloon was having

nightmares and couldn't sleep so mummy and daddy balloon let him sleep in

their bed. Later that night baby balloon woke up cos he was so uncomfy, so

he decided as mum an dad were asleep, he'd let a little bit of air out of

mummy and daddy but still he was uncomfy, so he let a little bit of air out

of himself, finally he fell asleep, later he woke up again and again he

followed the same procedure, this went on all through the night. When

morning came around Mummy and Daddy balloon awoke to see that they had been

completely deflated and lying on the bed inbetween them was baby ballon who

was also completely deflated. Well daddy balloon was fuming he started

shouting and ranting at baby balloon, then he lowered his voice and said to

baby balloon, "do you know what, you've let me down, you've let your mum

down and worse of all you've let yourself down".



I thank you very much, I'm here all week.

[Chris Banks]

Shocking! :p


With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went
unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into
the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny.

[topol_sheap]

I thank you very much, I'm here all week.

please god no....

[topol_sheap]

Shut up. You know it's funny.


it's not...

[Helmet Head]

Thomas if you tell me honestly that you never smiled,snigered or giggled like a little girl at any of those 2 jokes I'll give up telling em..............honest I will!!!

[Chris Banks]

I don't give a toss if Tops laughed or not! It made me smirk voraciously. And what's more, it was actually TRUE. The bit about him dying, anyway. So raspberrys to you matey!! :mad: :D

[sdkdmd]

If you really want to laugh look at this....



















..... http://www.brianlumley.com/forums/customavatars/avatar3_1.gif ;) :)

[kenny]

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while were asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

[Chris Banks]

John, that's the funniest thing I've seen in ages. Top marks for initiative! Waaa ha hah haaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! :D :D

Kenny - I like your thinking!! :rolleyes:

[topol_sheap]

Thomas if you tell me honestly that you never smiled,snigered or giggled like a little girl at any of those 2 jokes I'll give up telling em..............honest I will!!!

I don't believe you...

the first joke was amusing... the second I'd heard before...

John, that's great - you big fool :)

[kenny]

When i read this it made me laugh, just thought it mught bring a smile to you as well LOL.:D

A good looking, man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my forebears by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I' m
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would
possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined
to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I
left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had t o change my name. I had too much pride to return to your
office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my
appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,


































Dick van Dyke

[matman72]

Hey you guys in the monarchy, got some sport jokes for you.
We find them funny anyway. . . . . .

O.K.- cricket;

Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

What is the height of optimism?
An English batsman applying sunscreen.

What's the English version of LBW?
Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to ensure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A bat.

Football;(David Beckham anyway)

Why is David Beckham like a box of Ferrero Rocher?
They both come in a posh box.

What's the difference between Posh Spice and David Beckham?
Posh doesn't kick back when taken from behind.

What do the English football team and Posh Spice have in common?
They've both been screwed by David Beckham.

David Beckham walks into a pub. The landlord says,"A pint of your usual David?" Beckham replies,"No, just a half, then I'm off."

And a great Aussie pastime: taking the piss--on ourselves.

What's got four legs, is made of wood, and echoes?
The Australian Rugby Union trophy cabinet.

Why does Shane Warne wear boxer shorts?
To keep his ankles warm.

A new poll asked 1000 women if they would have sex with Shane Warne. 70% said,"never again".

What is the first thing Shane Warne does when he gets out of bed?
He sneaks home.

Here's one my mate sent me;
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a
beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika
our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one
twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull
mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't
need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,throws
His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and
the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so
many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
>

[Goth Girl]

Heard these recently and they made me smile:

What has 9 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard

What has 6 arms, 6 legs and 2 heads?
Nirvana

[matman72]

:D:D:D
nirvana-LMAO