Got bored in work but couldn't think of anything interesting to write so I just stuck some daft e-mails I'v received lately that may or may not make you titter

 

Always Keep Your Condoms In Your Car

 

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so

we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend ? She was a dream !

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty

years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regulrarly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view

of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me

that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and

couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock

as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

 

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little

test. We couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

 

The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

 

 

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval

ship

and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:

 

 

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

 

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

 

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

 

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

 

CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

 

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF

THIS SHIP.

 

CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

 

 

Just some Peter Kay questions

 

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ar*e?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?

6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullsh*t?

7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp that no one would eat?

11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

13. What do people in China call their good plates?

14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch to ask where the bathroom is?

16. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both fours? They're both dogs!

17. What do you call male ballerinas?

18. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?

20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere but call it a haemorrhoid when its in your a*se?

27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

 

 

[ August 01, 2003, 06:49 AM: Message edited by: Helmet Head ]

Along those lines....ever wonder were the people who send this kind of stuff to you n email get it?

 

A few Zen thoughts for those who take life too seriously:

 

1. Save the Whales. Collect the whole set.

 

2. A day with no sunshine is like, night.

 

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

 

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

 

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

6. 99 percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

7. I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

 

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

 

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

 

10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

 

14. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

 

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

 

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

 

18. Get a new car for your wife. It’ll be a great change.

 

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

 

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it.

 

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

 

22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand….

 

23. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

 

24. How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?

 

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 

26. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

 

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

 

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

 

31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

 

33. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

34. Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was

severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any

skin from her body because she was too skinny.

 

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

from his buttocks.

 

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the

skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new

beauty.

 

She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and

relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion

at his sacrifice.

 

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?"

 

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see

your mother kiss you on the cheek."

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

 

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

LMAO...

 

Keep them coming.

I should be working but instead I'm now on a search now for as many jokes as I can find

 

[ August 21, 2003, 07:00 AM: Message edited by: Helmet Head ]

2 Irishmen were on a plane to New York, when The pilot come's over the tannoy and says, " Lady's and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking"

 

" Those of you on the right side of the plane will have noticed we have lost number 4 engine, but please don't worry, we still have 3 perfectly good engines, and they will get us to NY safely but we will be about 30 minutes late"

 

About 30 minutes later, the Pilot comes on again and says, Lady's and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking"

 

"Those of you on the Left side of the plane will have noticed we have lost number 3 engine, but please don't worry, we still have 2 perfectly good engines, and they will get us to NY safely but we will be about 1hr30 minutes late"

 

About 30 minutes later, the Pilot comes on again and says, Lady's and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking"

 

" Those of you on the right side of the plane will have noticed we have lost number 2 engine, but please don't worry, we still have 1 perfectly good engine, and it will get us to NY safely but we will be about 2hrs45 minutes late minutes late"

 

Paddy turns to Shamus and says, " bugger me, if we lose this last engine we'll be stuck up here all bloody day"

I've had to remember this one of the top of my head so I hope it's not to terrible.

 

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are out camping for the night and during there slumber Holmes awakens Watson and asks him a question

"My dear chap I have been staring at the stars these last few moments and have been pondering something that I would like your thoughts on"

"Fire away" says Watson

"Well I was wondering if you could deduce anything just by merely gazing upon the stars tonight?" says Holmes

"Well firstly I can tell you exactly what time it simply by checking the orientation of the stars" says Watson

"Indeed but is there anything else?" says Holmes

"Well of course there is you can see that the universe is a huge thing, an ever expanding infinite place of possibilities where surely we are not the only intelligent form of life" says Watson

"That to but is there anything else?"

"Yes one final thing I know that GOD is truly great and generous to have created the stars planets and galaxies and that we should give praise to his greatness for all the wondrous and beautiful things he has created" says Watson

"Yes that as well my dear Watson but is there nothing more you can deduce by simply looking at the stars?" says Holmes

"My dear fellow you have me at a loss what is it that you have deduced and my feeble observational skills have missed?" says Watson

 

Holmes drew a long breath then calmly answered "My dear Watson somebody's nicked the tent"

A man walks into a pub with a frog stuck to his head and the barman asks "How did that happen?"

The frog replies "Well it started off as a boil on my ar%#."

Very funny jokes, don't think I can match it, but I do have some jokes a friend sent me. Yes , they are blond jokes, but then so is my friend.

 

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde....

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius."

 

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde that...

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Under "education" on her job application, she put:"Hooked On Phonics."

 

She was Soooooooooooooo Blonde that...

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it

said,"Concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

 

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde....

She studied for a blood test.

She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

She sold the car for gas money.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," so

she turned around and went home.

 

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for

"This Goes In Front " She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde....

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius."

 

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde that...

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Under "education" on her job application, she put:"Hooked On Phonics."

 

She was Soooooooooooooo Blonde that...

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it

said,"Concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

 

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde....

She studied for a blood test.

She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

She sold the car for gas money.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," so she turned around and went home.

 

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for

"This Goes In Front "

 

[ August 21, 2003, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: Lady Rissa ]

In reply to the Sherlock Holmes joke posted before by HH, here's one of mine.

 

Holmes and Watson are at home at 221B Baker St when Holmes turns to Watson and says "I say Watson, do you fancy a bit of how's your father."

 

Waston replies "OK old man", drops his trousers and bends over the sideboard whilst Holmes goes into the kitchen.

 

Holmes returns from the kitchen and walks upto Watson with a botttle of Jif in his hand.

Watson sees this and asks "I say my dear Holmes, what going on?"

 

"Lemon entry my dear Watson, lemon entry".

An Englishman is on holiday in the Far East and after spending his first day walking round the village and taking in the sights he returns to his hotel and asks the manager, "Why do all the women walk ten paces behind the men?"

 

The hotel manager replies "In my country, it is a mark of respect that a woman walks ten paces behind her husband".

 

"OK" says the Englishman and goes upto his room.

 

The next day the Englishman visits the local market and bumps into his hotel manager. The Englishman says to him "I see today that the women are walking ten paces in front of the men. Is that due to Women's Lib?"

 

"No" replies the hotel manager, "landmines."

German Motoring Terms

 

An oldie but goldie. Though this might be useful for any Lumlians who may be visiting Germany and wish to hire a car.

 

Indicators = Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken

Hood = Die Pullnob und knucklechopper

Exhaust = Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben

Clutch = Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken

Puncture = Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken

Learner = Die twatte mit ellplatz

Estate Car = Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto

Parking Meter = Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer

Windshield Wiper = Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder

Parking Brake = Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick

Gear Shifter = Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen

Rear View Mirror = Der Yokhunter Tucklosen

Seat Belt = Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper

Headlights = Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad

Fog Warning = Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit

Motor Vehicle Code Book = Der Wipenfurarsen

Traffic jam = Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast

Backfire = Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen

Juggernaut = Der Fukkengrett Trucken

Accident = Der Bledinmess

Garage = Der heiway Robberung

Cyclist = Der pedallpushinink Pillocken Skid Der Banannan Waltzen

Double White Lines = Overtaken und Krunchen

Near Accident = Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen

A lady walks into a Furniture Store. She browses around, then spots the perfect leather sofa and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, sure enough, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely leather sofa?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh*t yourself when you hear the price."

And Again...

 

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbour suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbour suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

Last One....

 

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

 

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,

"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

 

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,

 

 

"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a Ph..K."

Presenting Mr Black's Chinese course - Lesson 1.

 

Ai Bang Mai Ne--I bumped into the coffee table

 

Chin Tu Fat-----You need a face lift

 

Dum Gai---------A stupid person

 

Gun Pao Der-----An ancient Chinese invention

 

Hu Flung Dung---Which one of you fertilized the field?

 

Hu Yu Hai Ding--We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive

 

Jan Ne Ka Sun----A former late night talk show host

 

Kum Hia----------Approach me

 

Lao Ze Sho-------Gilligan's Island

 

Lao Zi------------Not very good

 

Lin Ching---------An illegal execution

 

Moon Lan Ding-----A great achievement of the American space program

 

Ne Ahn------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

 

Shai Gai----------A bashful person

 

Tai Ne Bae Be-----A premature infant

 

Tai Ne Po Ne------A small horse

 

Ten Ding Ba-------Serving drinks to people

 

Wan Bum Lung------A person with T.B.

 

Yu Mai Te Tan-----Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

 

Wa Shing Kah------Cleaning an automobile

 

Wai So Dim--------Are you trying to save electricity?

 

Wai U Shao Ting---There is no reason to raise your voice

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

 

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."

The woman said, "That's okay", and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM! she's the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,

"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

"The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

 

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

 

 

Attention female readers: This is the end of the email for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Attention Male readers: Please scroll down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...So the woman wished for a mild heart attack - well the man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

 

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb when they think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

 

 

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!

that's actually quite clever!

This is technically not a funny but just plain suicide..anyway here's how to make skittles vodka,

 

 

 

1. Get a bottle of quality vodka (40% or above) as if its below that it will freeze when you put it in the freezer.

2. Get a packet of fruit skittles - big bag if you have a 75 / 1litre bottle of vodka

3. Take out all the green skittles and either eat them or feed them to a dog or child and watch them go hyper on the E numbers.

4. Empty a bit of vodka out to make room for the skittles (and this means you can "taste test" the vodka prior to anyone else - just to make sure its ok!

5. Add the skittles into the vodka, give it a good shake and leave for 2/3 days, shaking occasionally.

6. The colour from the skittles will go into the vodka, the skittles will stay in the bottom in a big sugary lump and there will be this white foam forming on the top - This is all normal and adds to the freaky nature of the drink! after the 2/3 days give it another shake, pop it in the freezer overnight & serve with a bit of lemonade and watch people go La La!

 

Have a good party!

Excellent Joke ...but how can you still be talking about drink after Sunday morning lolol

Or you could feed the green ones to Tops and watch him go hyper, then feed him the vodka and see what happens!

You forget two famous Chinese men

 

Po Kem Yung . . . . . .The infamous paedophile

 

Hung Lo . . . . . . .The famous pornstar

Originally posted by The Helm:

This is technically not a funny but just plain suicide..anyway here's how to make skittles vodka,

I must ask, what really happens? I happen to like vodka and skittles, only separately and am very curious.

 

Not to mention gots a housewarming party to prepare for soon and wouldn't mind having something interesting for my guests to enjoy. (shyst, talking about the party before even moving first, i'm nutz)

The sugar and all the coulorings off the skittles kind of ferment a little and make the vodka that bit more potent plus making it more of a stimulent and kinda makes you a bit hyper.

 

I'm told it's lots of fun but not tried it myself yet so cant say for certain, going to be finding out at my girlfriends birthday bas just how potent it is........will report back with findings

 

[ October 03, 2005, 02:36 AM: Message edited by: The Helm ]