God. This thread is over 3 years old, but I was flipping thru and thought this might amuse 1 or 2...

 

Read the whole thing. This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter

 

(This is the State's Letter!)

 

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

 

Dear Mr. DeVries:

 

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

 

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

 

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

 

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

 

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

 

Sincerely,

 

David L. Price, District Representative

Land and Water Management Division

 

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **

 

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

 

Dear Mr. Price,

 

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

 

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

 

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

 

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

 

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

 

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

 

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

 

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

 

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

 

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

 

THANK YOU.

 

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS :eek:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

‘Bow to Leper Messiah’

Lord Wazzuck the Feckless of Taunton

I laughed out loud at that letter Cheered me up no end !!!

Oh well, might as well have this one as well!!

_________________________________________________________________

 

I will be adopting a number of these practices for the rest of the week.

 

Office Dares.

(Things to try, to keep you entertained during office hours. Accumulate as many points as possible)

 

ONE POINT DARES

 

1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

 

2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears

and grimace.

 

3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,

"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

 

4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

 

5. While riding In a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors

open.

 

6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and

pretend it wasn't you.

 

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."

 

8. Don't use any punctuation.

 

9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected

sigh.

 

10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

 

 

THREE POINT DARES

 

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with

double-barrelled fingers.

 

2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the

nozzle.

 

3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

 

4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.

 

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got

over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

 

6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "goddammit,

it's happened again!". Then do it again.

 

7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle".

Then wink and pout.

 

8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any

p*rnography web sites.

 

FIVE POINT DARES

 

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to

conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you

actually launch into it yourself).

 

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with

growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

 

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".

 

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a

number two".

 

6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent.

As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.

 

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and

mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

 

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my

witness, I'll never go hungry again!"

 

9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do

you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

 

10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash

each biscuit with your fist.

 

11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the

door.

 

12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

 

13. Ask people what gender they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

‘Bow to Leper Messiah’

Lord Wazzuck the Feckless of Taunton

Now that does sound like The Office lol

As it's the weekend, here's something to ponder over........

_______________________________________________________________

 

This is for all you who are getting older!

 

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

 

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

 

The old rooster replies,

"Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says,

"Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.."

The old rooster says,

"I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs.

"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

 

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

 

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

 

Moral of this story? ...

 

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance! :D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

‘Bow to Leper Messiah’

Lord Wazzuck the Feckless of Taunton

.....and these are for those that are not.

 

An old man can see backward better than a young one can see forward.

 

He who does not honor age does not deserve age.

 

An old man can be outrun but not outcounseled.

 

If you wish good advice, consult an old man.

 

If youth but had the knowledge and old age the strength.

One night mummy balloon and daddy balloon are asleep in bed when they're

 

woken up by baby ballon coming into their room, baby balloon was having

 

nightmares and couldn't sleep so mummy and daddy balloon let him sleep in

 

their bed. Later that night baby balloon woke up cos he was so uncomfy, so

 

he decided as mum an dad were asleep, he'd let a little bit of air out of

 

mummy and daddy but still he was uncomfy, so he let a little bit of air out

 

of himself, finally he fell asleep, later he woke up again and again he

 

followed the same procedure, this went on all through the night. When

 

morning came around Mummy and Daddy balloon awoke to see that they had been

 

completely deflated and lying on the bed inbetween them was baby ballon who

 

was also completely deflated. Well daddy balloon was fuming he started

 

shouting and ranting at baby balloon, then he lowered his voice and said to

 

baby balloon, "do you know what, you've let me down, you've let your mum

 

down and worse of all you've let yourself down".

 

 

 

I thank you very much, I'm here all week.

Shocking!

 

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it

is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went

unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at

the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into

the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

 

Shut up. You know it's funny.

I thank you very much, I'm here all week.

 

please god no....

Shut up. You know it's funny.

 

it's not...

Thomas if you tell me honestly that you never smiled,snigered or giggled like a little girl at any of those 2 jokes I'll give up telling em..............honest I will!!!

I don't give a toss if Tops laughed or not! It made me smirk voraciously. And what's more, it was actually TRUE. The bit about him dying, anyway. So raspberrys to you matey!! :mad:

If you really want to laugh look at this....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.....

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

 

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

 

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

 

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

 

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

 

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while were asking questions, could I ask you one?"

 

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

 

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

 

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

 

Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

John, that's the funniest thing I've seen in ages. Top marks for initiative! Waaa ha hah haaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! :D

 

Kenny - I like your thinking!!

Thomas if you tell me honestly that you never smiled,snigered or giggled like a little girl at any of those 2 jokes I'll give up telling em..............honest I will!!!

 

I don't believe you...

 

the first joke was amusing... the second I'd heard before...

 

John, that's great - you big fool

When i read this it made me laugh, just thought it mught bring a smile to you as well LOL.

 

A good looking, man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on

Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

 

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

 

I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my forebears by changing my name. Not ever."

 

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I' m

telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

 

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

 

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would

possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

 

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined

to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I

left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had t o change my name. I had too much pride to return to your

office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my

appreciation.

 

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dick van Dyke

Hey you guys in the monarchy, got some sport jokes for you.

We find them funny anyway. . . . . .

 

O.K.- cricket;

 

Who has the easiest job in the English squad?

The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

 

What is the height of optimism?

An English batsman applying sunscreen.

 

What's the English version of LBW?

Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

 

What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to ensure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?

A bat.

 

Football;(David Beckham anyway)

 

Why is David Beckham like a box of Ferrero Rocher?

They both come in a posh box.

 

What's the difference between Posh Spice and David Beckham?

Posh doesn't kick back when taken from behind.

 

What do the English football team and Posh Spice have in common?

They've both been screwed by David Beckham.

 

David Beckham walks into a pub. The landlord says,"A pint of your usual David?" Beckham replies,"No, just a half, then I'm off."

 

And a great Aussie pastime: taking the piss--on ourselves.

 

What's got four legs, is made of wood, and echoes?

The Australian Rugby Union trophy cabinet.

 

Why does Shane Warne wear boxer shorts?

To keep his ankles warm.

 

A new poll asked 1000 women if they would have sex with Shane Warne. 70% said,"never again".

 

What is the first thing Shane Warne does when he gets out of bed?

He sneaks home.

 

Here's one my mate sent me;

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a

beer.

 

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in

the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika

our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one

twice," he says.

 

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass

into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull

mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't

need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

 

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,throws

His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and

the Kiwi.

 

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so

many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

>

Heard these recently and they made me smile:

 

What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

 

What has 6 arms, 6 legs and 2 heads?

Nirvana

:D:D

nirvana-LMAO